The Struggle Is Real, Feelings of Self-Doubt

      I announced about 2 weeks ago that I was so excited about this sweet new journey that the Lord was leading me on. I even said that I have NO CLUE as to where it will lead. I have wanted to share this but have been holding off for the main reason of feeling like others would think that I am being boastful or think of myself as higher then thou... Please understand that that is not my hopes in any way. I feel confident enough though, that if you know me well, you will understand that I am simply not that way. If you do not know me personally then I am eager to get to know one another more and more through this new journey.

      I titled this, "The Struggle Is Real, Feelings of Self-Doubt" because of a word that was given to me on April 6th. Have you ever felt the Lord is calling you to something that you feel completely unequipped for in life? You find yourself thinking thoughts like, 

"Really God?? How exactly am I supposed to do that? There is NO WAY I am capable of such a thing."

     Well, That is exactly where I am. When I received a phone call one morning after I dropped the kids off at school, I was left in complete shock and was speechless as to what was shared with me. One of those moments that it was completely undoubtedly the Lord and no other explanation. It hit me, My prayers over the last several months as I have grown a deeper relationship with him have been worded like this; 

"Lord, I want to be a part of something that is so grand and big that it can only be explained by you. That only You are seen through all of it. Not Me."

     Well, I got what I was praying for. I have not yet seen this come to full fruition and I honestly have no idea how it will even unfold but I know he spoke it and I am eager to see how HIS plan unfolds. 

Wondering what it was yet?? What I was told? Here I go. 

      Over the last two months I kept feeling this desire to want to dive into some form of women's ministry. I knew I wanted it to be something to deal with Spiritual Warfare because I have been walking this road myself now for several years and my heart is pulled in any direction that is full of it. Not because I just LOVE Spiritual Warfare. No! Simply because I cannot stand how the enemy works in attempts to wreck havoc in women's lives. I want so badly to see the lives changed in women due to our amazing father in heaven. I want to be able to sit back and think sweet thoughts of 

"YAY!!! She figured it out!" 

or 

"I'm So excited to see the evident change in her life because she chose to let Christ have her full heart!!!" 

or even more, I want to be able to tell the Devil to 

"BE GONE!!! CHRIST WINS!" 

This is my heart. So, in these thoughts I began to seek and pray over why it was that I was feeling so strongly pulled in this direction. I would have not chosen this 10 years ago, so why now? There is a scripture I came upon a little while back that would sum it all up  in a sweet simple way; 

For God is working in you, giving you the desires and the power to do what pleases him. 

-Philippians 2:13 

and

Take delight in the lord and he will give you your hearts desires.

-Psalm 27:4

       Here is the kicker though. I used to apply that second verse to myself like this. Oh, If I seek God he will give me what I ask for... the catch is, WHAT I WANT out of the deal. That is not the case as at all. When I take delight in him, He renews my mind, changes my heart and begins to make me more like him. In this process he begins to plant desires in my heart that will please him and while I'm taking delight in him, I begin to long for HIS DESIRES. What pleases him. So in the end, I begin to desire what he desires and he gives me the desires of my heart because I have taken delight in him. Make sense? 

      Well now that I have confused you, lets move on.  Along with feeling this new found desire over the last several months I also began to notice that I would randomly think of the name, "Beth Moore" as I was just doing my every day thing. At random times her name would pop in my head. If you do not know who she is, She is an amazing woman of God and has many bible studies out there and travels to share his word with other women. She's fun, spunky and easy to like. I have a confession though. I have never done one of her studies. I haven't really even followed her on any social media or anything. No reason why other then, I just hadn't. So why was her name popping up in my head so much lately? I asked the Lord if he was hinting for me to maybe do one of her studies next with my friends but he gave me no answer. Just a random thought of her from time to time over a 3 week period. Until April 6th. 

      I'm a fan of time-lines and full detailed stories. I don't like leaving parts out so that others can get the full benefit of how it all went down so lets start with the ending week of  March 30th. 

~I was with a friend and a number that I was not familiar with called me. Twice. I was unable to answer and blew it off as a telemarketer. I used the whole excuse of, "Oh those telemarketers. If its something important, they will leave a message." No message was left. I went on with my weekend and Then comes Wed. April 4th. 

~The night that I was at church and My husbands Aunt confirmed to me that the Lord was calling me to Women's ministry in her office. After many tears, I was excited due to the fact I had been in prayer over this for several weeks. Went home and the next morning, Thurs. April 5th, I announced on facebook the start of this new journey, a new blog and a new facebook page to follow it. After I posted all the details of the blog, I began to doubt what I had done. (Insert Enemy Here). I started asking God if I was trying to take matters into my own hands. Was I supposed to do a Blog or No? He didn't answer. That evening at 9:45pm. (Here is the REAL ME) I had literally sat down to pee. Dare I say it. LOL. But its the truth. on the bar my phone rings... That silly number again that had called me the week before. Again, I blew it off. Thinking it's a telemarketer and if it was important they will leave a message. Well this time they did! A Text as well. Both saying the lady's name and number and to PLEASE CALL HER because she has GOT TO TELL ME SOMETHING!!! (FYI, I NEVER see this lady. like. EVER. I know her name, where she lives and who she is, But we literally have no relations at this point in our lives other then me attending a baby shower at her house 10 years ago. That. IS. IT.) So what is she needing me for so urgently at 10pm? Shamefully, I decided I would call her the next morning b/c I was hopping into bed. 

This is where it gets crazy good. 

Friday Morning. April 6th. 

I get a text from my sister in law saying "I think you will be pleased to know that God has laid you on _________________'s Heart. You may want to know what she has to say." Okay, CRAZY! So I message this sweet lady and ask if we can speak in the afternoon due to my busy morning schedule. She replies back saying she will call me in a minute. HA! This Woman is SERIOUS! I'm really itching to know what she has to say at this point. 

She calls and says this.... 

"I know we do not know each other very well and I feel like you may think I am insane for what I am about to tell you, but I know without a doubt the lord wants me to tell you. On March 28th, The lord shared this with me and I tried to call you twice one day (remember that number that called me and I ignored it, blowing it off as a telemarketer? Yes. It was her) I decided not to call you back because I KNEW you would think I was crazy and I chickened out. Then, Last night (April 5th ) I had gotten on facebook for the first time in 2 weeks and your post was the first in my news feed. You announced the start of your blog and I almost choked on my water. Instantly the Lord spoke to me again and said, "I TOLD YOU TO TELL HER!" So, I called you at 9:45 last night and you didn't answer again. So here I am telling you now. I know he wants me to tell you this. 

 "I was in my quiet time praying and journaling and out of no where the Lord spoke to my spirit and said, "I need you to tell Candace Skarda that I am calling her to Women's Ministry and she will be a Bible Teacher Mentor in a Beth Moore esque way." 

Let that sink in... Did you catch that? 

1st, She was the second confirmation that I was to be looking towards Women's ministry. (would have been the 1st had I not ignored her call), 

2nd, She LITERALLY just said "In a Beth. Moore. esque. way." (Remember I said her name kept popping up in my mind for 3 weeks and I had NO IDEA WHY...) 

You have got to be kidding me! She kept talking and as I was trying to reply, I was unable due to the tears and being speechless. How is this even possible? There is NO WAY I can do such a thing? I don't even know where to start or how to go about this. What came next was even more crazy. 

She then says; 

"I knew I had to call you instantly b/c when you said you were doing a blog I was blown away. After he told me to tell you that, He then said "Tell her Get to Blogging!" 

Did you catch that???? I had literally posted that day the start of this blog and instantly was filled with doubt. Asking him should I have even done that, having NO IDEA that a week prior he had already spoken to this woman that I was to begin a blog. (Can we PLEASE have some Emojis for the blogging world? It would make this so much more relateable! LOL! Yes. My thoughts are running away with me. I can't help it, I'm a sucker for some good relatable emojis!)

      So, All this to say. In the last week and a half, I have struggled and struggled with the thoughts of how inadequate I think I am for this calling. Everything you can think of that would keep me from moving forward is coming full force. I KNOW the enemy is behind this. I know he sees the potential here and wants to come against it. I have begun to read up on Beth Moore and her ministry. Ive been watching her teachings and every time, I think to myself that there is no way I can accomplish such a thing. I'm not capable. But I am choosing to stand firm on God's promises over me. I know that through Him I can do all things and I'm choosing to apply to my life right now what he taught me a week ago in my study. That, He will equip me for what he has called me to do. I just need to act out of obedience and faith and take the step so that he can work out what he has planned. 

This truly is a plan that can ONLY BE EXPLAINED by Him! Be careful what you ask for. I'm seeing that if we make ourselves available for him, he will work in ways that make no sense to us only for the fact that he gets the glory and that is what I am looking forward to. To see what all he has in store that will bring glory to his name. 

In case you didn't catch it. A lot of prayer went into this. Asking. Seeking. Knocking. Matthew 7:7

Nothing made sense to me, But as I began to seek his will and search for all the meanings behind these thoughts and situations He revealed himself in a way that can only be explained by him. By speaking the answer to a woman who I met 10 years ago and have no relationship with. An answer to each prayer that I had been praying. When she had no idea what my prayers were. I'm so thankful for her obedience to step out in faith and keep pressing in to get in touch with me. Had I not listened, Had I not answered that call, I would still be over here thinking random thoughts of Beth Moore, Lol! Still wondering if I'm supposed to do this blog or not. Still looking for why the thought of Women's Ministry keeps bobbling in my head. He will get your attention if you are willing to look for him. 

Once again, I have no idea what is to come next. 

After all, His plans are Overwhelmingly Beautiful and Only explained by Him. 

Be Blessed, 

Candace 

Attached Below is a photo of her prayer journal that she had sent me after we spoke on the phone where she wrote down what he laid on her heart. I have blurred out some of her personal entries for privacy. I will cherish it through all that is to come.